just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
