I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just high enough for therapy.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
