I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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