all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
