I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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