it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
