I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
