Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
