It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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