Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
