I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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