I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
