i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
