That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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