im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
