Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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