i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
