I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
