those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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