Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
