i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
you never un-have a 4some
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
