make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dicks are not precious.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
