I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
