Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
