I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Acid is not a monday night drug
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
