stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
