Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
