guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
