It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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