You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
