Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
