This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
