He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
