She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
