Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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