If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
