I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
