And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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