separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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