3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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