Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
