and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
