I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
