I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
