My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
