Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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