i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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