TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
