so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
