Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Ketchup is God's man juice
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
