If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
